Vignette 17

 

Epilogue 1960-2015

This Epilogue concludes my 21 years of life with my father and mother through  7 Foreign Service postings, as well as, a condensed reminiscence of the 55 years afterwards of visits and communications.

 

After my departure from Sydney and my marriage to Dr B. Peck Lau (劉本璧) in 1962, my parents and I communicated by mail regularly while my mother often came to the U.S. In 1964, my mother stayed with me for 5 months in San Francisco exploring the possibility of moving to the U.S. after father was transferred back to another term in Manila without a promotion. Following Manila, my parents were recalled to Taipei, after only 8 years abroad, and I would see my mother almost annually, either in Taiwan or in the U.S. My youngest daughter Estelle visited them in Saudi Arabia for one year in 1972-73 (her narrative of that year is included forthwith).

 

My family would assemble on special occasions of my parents' milestone celebrations. Occasionally, my brother Austin living in Holland would join us. For my father's 70th birthday in the golden fall of 1986, father wanted to tour the American historical and cultural sites of New England including Harvard University and Walden Pond where Thoreau wrote his famous tome. My daughter, Estelle, set up a baronial lunch in the august Harvard dining hall, much to her grandfather's satisfaction.  On father's 75th birthday, he wished to see Las Vegas. Unlike the hollowed grounds of New England, my children and I navigated my parents through the tawdry, razzle dazzle of casinos and shows. We parked my parents in front of the slot machines, each with a cupful of quarters which they quickly surrendered to the "one armed bandits". Neither father nor mother expressed a desire to return.

 

Father's few visits with me were short, at most 2 weeks, during which my husband would send father through a gauntlet of his specialist friends which my father, being a bit of a hypochondriac, heartily enjoyed. Mother would stay in California for several months at a time, including an extended stay in our San Francisco apartment studying 密宗 under 陳上師.  I travelled with mother through the U.S., Spain, Thailand, Nepal, UK and after 1988, on almost annual trips to the Mainland. Mother's mother had passed away in 1961, however in 1988, mother was able to be reunited with her 3 younger brothers and re-inter their father in a stately grave. All 3 of mother's brothers have since passed away.

 

Of the several trips in the early 1990's, mother and I took throughout China, one of mother's more notable trips was when mother raised several U.S.$100,000's for the restoration of Yunju Temple (雲居寺) outside of Beijing. Though mother could no longer climb the steep mountain, I could pay homage for her just as I had at Shaolin Monastery (少林寺) to the Bodhidharma (菩提達摩) cave.

After mother compelled father to leave Ministry of Foreign Affairs in 1974, following father's recall from Saudi Arabia, mother tried to build a business practice with Japan steel, Taiwan shoes export and warmup suits manufacturing for which my husband and I  provided some seed capital. But mother's enterprises inevitably ended in failure. In 1976, my brother Austin, and I felt mother's business sense was not equal to her literary and teaching gifts, so we made a down payment on a splendid apartment in Taipei on which father paid the mortgage. We all encouraged mother to concentrate her energy and talents on her teaching and growing fan base in Taiwan and slowly in LA. Mother obtained her American citizenship and rolled over the Taipei apartment into a handsome house in Los Angeles near where Austin had moved from Holland in 1997 and later married Charlotte Wang (王正英).  

 

Father's premature retirement in 1974 without a pension, was the result of mother's angry unilateral declaration in Taipei, while father was still awaiting his Saudi Arabia replacement. Mother's announcement left father rather in shock, unable to contradict mother and at a loss for his future. Having served his country for over 35 years in Ministry of Foreign Affairs and being only 58 years old, father was unwilling to parlay his "ambassador" title for a board directorship with the several large companies eager to utilize father's many years of connections and experience.

 

Throughout father's career at Ministry of Foreign Affairs, father had consistently sought out creative ways to improve his country's position and standing through discerning judgement, patient strategy and a respect for local cultures. After Japan, while mother would often bitterly fulminate and rage over real and perceived slights, injustices and hardships, father would, without recrimination, endure the indignities of low pay, always doing more with very little while upholding the dignity and "face" of his government; follow difficult national policies and critical international conditions through the changing times; submit with humility to internal institutional politics; refuse various offers of emoluments for services from grateful 華僑. Through all those years of ups and downs, father still had expected to live out his life in his foreign service profession which to him was a calling - not just a career. And in retirement, father firmly averred that his relationships on behalf of his government were not "for sale" nor transferable. Father could not find it in his heart to serve any other master. Mother, to her credit, fully supported father on this decision.

 

During father's weeks of reorientation, unexpectedly, one of father's former superiors, Ambassador Han (杭立武大使) invited father to be his deputy head at the Asian Peoples' Anti-Communist League (亞盟APACL) ! In the aftermath of the 1971 UN admission of Mainland China, the APACL had become a significant organization under Ambassador Han with its mission of establishing Taiwan as a model of democratic and economic relevance in the world. Having previously worked under Ambassador Han for 4 years 1963-67 in Manila, father was a great admirer of the manifold talents of Ambassador Han and was thrilled to be working for Ambassador Han again. The job was a perfect fit for father's ideals, character, experience and skills. An astute judge of situations and people, Ambassador Han recognized my father to be a perfect assistant and successor. Twelve years older than father, and sometimes not in good health, Ambassador Han delegated much of the traveling and more time consuming tasks to father. Upon the passing of Ambassador Han in 1991, Father stepped into the APACL head position until 2000 when father broke his vertebrae in an unfortunate roadside fall and also moved to LA where mother had set up permanent residence and teaching out of their home.

 

Around 2005, Mother was invited to Xian by the Beijing government to participate in an international conference on Lao Tzu (老子). Mother invited me to accompany her and we had as much fun as we previously had in Nepal and Thailand for international Buddhist conferences during which I was mother's assistant and English translator and we first met Zhao Pu-chu (趙樸初).  In Xian, Mother made such an impact that a group of Beijing entrepreneurs set up a Foundation to support all of mother's needs if she moved back to revive the Chinese Classics on the Mainland. Father had become a semi-invalid from his injuries and required full time assistance, therefore, father also moved to Beijing after mother sold their LA house in 2009. Father and mother both very much enjoyed the nostalgic return to their old "hometown", though unrecognizably transformed.

 

Father's oldest sister Tien Pao-qin (田寶琴) and brother Tien Pao-qi had passed away before my father returned to Beijing. Father's father, Tien Shu-fan (田樹藩) was killed during the Cultural Revolution in 1966 but father was able to enjoy the company of his youngest brother Tien Pao-dong (田寶東) until Uncle Pao-dong passed away 4 years ago. My parents' many respectful nephews, nieces, and grand nephews and nieces in Beijing were great assistance to my parents, the oldest surviving generation.

 

Though mother received generous support from many admiring students, mother has always had a yearly revolving door of patrons as mother tolerated no suggestions regarding her life or methods.  Over the last decade, mother suffered from loss of hearing and short term memory. Nevertheless, from 2010 -14 mother's most recent junior student was able to cannily exploit mother out of all of my parents' financial savings from the sale of their mortgage free LA house, which could have kept them in comfort for decades more. Having "lost" all their savings, mother and father both returned to the U.S. to live under the roof of my filial brother, Austin and his devoted wife, Charlotte Wang, a model daughter-in-law.

 

                           Father, Austin (Left)  and Philip in L.A. around 1996                             Father reviews his life with humble gratitude for the magnanimous blessings from his ancestors, parents, mentors, extended Tien family, friends and colleagues but especially, in his winter of life, to my brother Austin and Charlotte. Mother, much pampered in her childhood by her father, has missed her father's ballast and struggled to find the security of her childhood all her life, though her innate talents have enabled her to blaze her own path.

 

     My parents with Austin and I in L.A., in 1997      

                                               

                          My parents, Austin, Charlotte and I  in Beijing around 2010. 

 

In the fall of 2014 when Patrick Wang (王華燕) first encouraged me to continue to record father's memoir with Sophia Hsu and transcription by Patrick's niece, Shirley Toung, I asked my father which of his contributions in Foreign Service was the most satisfying? Without missing a beat, father rattled off,  "Oh, the Spratly's, the US$50m King Faisal loan, the exception of ROC from the 1973 OPEC oil embargo, the Taiwan export of agricultural and industrial expertise to Saudi (which was duplicated by ROC in Africa), the Saudi Arabia landing rights for China Airlines which enabled our carrier to fly to Europe.... - but " father paused before continuing with smile, "But -  the most memorably amusing event to me, as a frightened young civil servant in 1940, was the President's unspoken approval of the preservation of the name of 'Republic of CHINA'!"  Father chuckled, "That was a wringer! I was so afraid that I would be dismissed for submitting such a recommendation!"

 

                                     Father, Austin and I on father’s 99th birthday Sept 28, 

                                            2014 in LA. The autumn before he passed away.

 

It pained and surprised me a few years ago when I asked my father in Beijing, "Having lived in so many countries and visited scores more, where would you most like to have lived?" I was expecting father to say either Beijing or Los Angeles. Father lowered his head and wistfully gazed away, "Taipei. But - it is unaffordable to us."

 

My parents are temperamentally as different as fire and water. Mother is like a roaring bonfire - combustible, brilliant, passionate, volatile and courageous. One can be mesmerized by her emotional warmth and vibrant mind. However, mother's heat can singe and lay waste those who dare to cross her. Father is like a steady river - calm, reliable, nurturing, fluidly navigating around obstacles and smoothing out sharp edges. Father leaves, without footprints, a fertile trail for those who follow. Sometimes, together, they can generate dynamic steam to overcome life's vicissitudes and challenges. Father conducted his work discretely, independent from mother. But outside the office, mother's will and whims indomitably prevailed.

Father’s 95th Birthday, 2011 in Beijing, China	Parents in Beijing, China

 

My father is now in his 100th year and our conversations always touch upon current affairs - after first addressing father's litany of physical ills and pains. Last week, father mused after reading the news on Spratly Islands, "The Philippines had renounced all claim or interest to Taiping Island in 1956 under President Magsaysay, and Vice President- Foreign Minster Garcia who became president for 2 terms."  Father added,  "- with the full US understanding then! - Now, they (meaning US & Philippines) are calling it Itu Aba and Taiping Island has become a geopolitical hot potato."  Wryly, father observed, "Should we try to reclaim Mongolia or Vietnam back now since Japan had returned them back to us?"  I asked father, "How close is or Fiery Cross Reef (永曙島where China is building landing strips) to Taiping Island?" Father, an avid amateur geographer, without hesitation answered "Oh, quite proximate. It's also  called North Investigator's Reef and artificially built much bigger than Taiping Island. It's a central location in the South China Seas. So very interesting."

 

After we hung up, I looked it up online. Father was right. Nothing wrong with father's mind! And I am so grateful that father has lived long enough to witness the restoration and ascendence of China beyond his wildest dreams!

 

I conclude this candid recollection of my passage with two extraordinary people in April 2015 for the readers to gently review and deeply ponder  the exigencies of momentous 20th C political forces upon human survival and endeavors. I believe my parents have, in their singular ways, left their countrymen a little better off for having been in their service. I hope you, kind readers, will agree.

Thank you!

田之雲 - Judith Tien Lau

April 20, 2015    

尾聲：1960-2015

我一生中有21年的時間跟隨父母在七個國家生活，之後的55年雖然不再和父母朝夕相處，我們關係依舊非常密切，定期見面，通訊頻仍。在此，我想對父母親在1960年之後的55年做一簡單的回顧。

1962年我離開雪梨到美國與劉本壁結婚，此後長居美國，但我和父母常常通信，母親也經常來看我。1964年母親到舊金山跟我一起住了五個月，當時她正在考慮移居美國的可能性，因為那時候父親再度被調到馬尼拉，但是他的職位並未升遷，和第一任時相同。在馬尼拉八年之後，父親再度被調回台北，之後我幾乎每年都可以見到母親，不是我回台灣，就是她到美國。我的小女兒也在1972年到了沙烏地阿拉伯和爺爺奶奶生活一年。

我們家族在特別的日子會相聚慶祝，有時候弟弟之竺還會特地從荷蘭來參加。1986秋季，父親七十大壽，他想到新英格蘭 (New England) 看看美國的歷史和文化景點，尤其想看看哈佛大學，以及梭羅 (Henry David Thoreau) 的華爾敦湖 (Walden Pond)。我的小女兒特地在哈佛高貴典雅的餐廳安排了一場盛宴，父親非常滿意。到了七十五歲生日時，父親想看賭城拉斯維加斯 (Las Vegas)，我和我的子女帶著他們穿梭在喧鬧的賭場和秀場，他們站在吃角子老虎前面，一大把銅板不一會兒通通輸給那位「獨臂強盜」，後來父母親都說不會想要再去一次。

父親比較少到美國，每次來的時間也比較短，頂多兩個星期。他來的時候我先生會讓他去看一些擔任專科醫生的朋友，父親一向對自己的健康狀況比較焦慮，對這些安排都欣然接受。母親有時會留在加州比較長的時間，有一次跟著陳上師學習密宗，在舊金山住了好幾個月。我和母親常常一起旅行，足跡踏過美國、西班牙、泰國、尼泊爾、英國。1988年之後，我們幾乎每一年到中國大陸。外婆在1961年已過世，母親到1988年終於和他的三個弟弟重聚首，同時也重新整修了外公的墓地，之後她的三個弟弟也陸續過世了。

我和母親在1990年代數度前往中國大陸，印象最深的一次是她為了重建北京郊外的雲居寺，募得十萬美金。雖然後來母親已經無法攀上陡峻的山頂，但我代替她爬上去頂禮膜拜，一如我替她到少林寺虔誠叩拜菩提達摩。

1974年父親從沙烏地阿拉伯被調回台北之後，母親強迫父親離開外交部，之後母親嘗試做生意，包括日本鑄鋼、台灣鞋類出口、熱身服(這一項我和先生也投資了一點)，可惜都沒有成功，我和弟弟都覺得母親的生意頭腦實在不如她在文學和教書方面的天賦。1976年我們姊弟付了頭期款，替父母在台北買了一間漂亮的公寓，父親負責貸款的部分。我們鼓勵母親把精力和才能專注在講學上，那時候在台灣有不少人追隨母親，在美國時也慢慢有些人來聽講。之竺在1997年從荷蘭遷居美國，與王正英結婚之後住在洛杉磯。母親拿到美國公民的身分之後，從台北的公寓搬到弟弟家附近的一個大宅院定居。

1974年父親提前退休，其實是母親在盛怒之下的結果。那時候父親還在沙烏地阿拉伯等待接替的人選到任，人在台北的母親片面宣告父親退休，雖然父親對此非常為震驚，但他沒有跟母親唱反調。也因為提前退休，父親不但拿不到退休俸，對於突如其來的轉變非常茫然。為國家服務35年，父親才58歲，他還沒有準備好下一步該如何走。但無論如何，他非常珍惜「大使」的頭銜和資歷，當時好幾家大公司想利用他的關係與人脈，請他擔任董事或顧問，他一律拒絕。

父親在外交部時，總是以明智的判斷、包容的態度，以及對當地文化的尊重，透過各種不同的方式，努力提升國家的地位。母親認為父親在日本之後的調派，一直受到有意無意的忽略，為此義憤填膺。再加上在外館時面臨左支右絀的困境，他們想方設法維持國家體面，為了國家仁至義盡，但這一切有形無形的付出卻被無視，使得母親氣憤難忍。可是父親總是無怨無尤地承受一切，不但想盡辦法以微薄的薪資發揮最大的效用，更屢屢體諒國家在國際局勢中的困境，以謙卑的心情接受政府的安排，不忮不求，甚至對於華僑的表達謝意的捐贈也一律謝絕。父親在職務上雖然有起有伏，他的志向就是外交工作；外交工作對他而言是志業，不是職業。退休之後，父親堅守分寸，認定自己代表國家政府，他和各國所建立的關係既不能「銷售」，也不能轉移。同時，父親心目中的主人就是國家，他把自己貢獻給國家，無法接受為企業主服務，母親在這方面完全支持父親。

父親退休不久之後，杭立武大使邀請他擔任亞盟副秘書長。1971年中國大陸進入聯合國之後，亞盟以建設台灣，推廣民主自由，提升經濟為宗旨。父親與杭大使曾經在馬尼拉共事四年 (1963-1967)，原本對杭大使的聰明才幹極為仰慕，能夠再度和杭大使一起工作，父親特別高興。無論從父親的理想、性格、經驗和才能各方面來看，這份工作非常適合他，而杭大使也是知人善任，把父親視為最佳助手兼繼任者。杭大使長父親12歲，健康狀況不許可時，出國洽公之事大多指派父親擔任，比較費時的工作也由父親接手。1991年杭大使過世，父親繼任亞盟秘書長，一直到2000年父親因脊椎受傷不得不到美國，那時候母親已經在美國授課講經。

大約在2005年時，北京政府邀請母親到西安參加「老子國際研討會」，我陪母親前往，就像之前我們母女一起去尼泊爾、泰國參加國際佛學會議，我總是隨行相陪，當她的助手替她翻譯。我們還在會議上第一次見到趙樸初。在西安那次的會議上，一群北京企業家對母親的演說非常折服，邀請母親遷回北京長住，希望透過母親講述典籍，復興中華文化，他們設立基金會，並負擔母親所有費用。父親此時行動不便，需要有人協助照料，母親在2009年賣掉加州的房子，帶著父親回到北京。父親和母親懷念兒時的家園，即便家鄉已經不復以往。父親的大姊田寶琴和大哥田寶齊在父母回鄉定居之前已經過世，爺爺也在1966年文化大革命期間離世，幸好父親最小的弟弟田寶東還在，兄弟在北京過了一段快樂的時光，一直到四年前寶東叔叔去世。父母親在北京時，兄弟姊妹的下一代對他們照顧有加。

雖然母親得到許多學生大力支持，但是這些經費來源幾乎每一年換一次，主要原因是母親不願意由他人主導她的生活或是教學方式。可惜的是，近十年來，母親聽力漸失，也有一點失憶的問題。最令人扼腕的是她最新近的學生居然在2010年到2014年，神通廣大地騙走父母所有的積蓄，那是他們把加州房子賣掉的養老金啊。父母親萬般無奈之下回到美國，與孝順的之竺和盡心的弟媳正英同住。

父親回顧一生，以謙卑的心情感激祖先、父母、師長、田家族親、朋友、同事的幫助，而之竺和正英對他晚年的陪伴和照護，父親更是點滴在心頭。母親兒時受外公驕寵，特別渴求被呵護的安全感，也一直在追求外公那種穩定的力量，然則她與生俱有的才能為自己開拓了一條與眾不同的道路。

近年來，父親在Sophia Hsu和老同學王華燕的姪女Shirley Toung二位協助下，完成回憶錄，王華燕鼓勵我做些補述。我問父親，他所承辦的外交任務中，哪些最令自己滿意？父親不慌不忙地回道：「南沙太平島；費瑟國王允諾貸款五千萬美元；1973年石油危機，中華民國沒有被列入石油禁運國家；派遣台灣的農工業專家赴沙烏地阿拉伯 (其後此合作模式推展到非洲)；華航取得沙烏地阿拉伯的著陸權，得以停留加油續飛歐洲，但是……」父親微微一笑，接著說：「但是，最令我印象深刻的就是1940年，我以資淺的新人斗膽建議保留Republic of CHINA那件事。那可是很難處理的，當時我很怕自己呈上去的意見不被採納，被炒魷魚！」

幾年前在北京時，我問父親：「你住過那麼多國家，也到過很多國家拜訪，你最希望是住在哪裡?」我以為父親會說北京或加州。沒想到父親回答說；「台北。可是我們住不起。」他低下頭，不讓我看到眼底的傷感。聽到他的回答，我百感交集，五味雜陳。

我的父母性情大不相同，有如水與火。母親像熊熊的螢火，亮麗、熱情、多變、勇敢，但卻像火一樣易燃易怒。她有溫暖的情感，活耀的思維，但是如果惹到她，她一定不假辭色，嚴厲反擊。而父親就像一條河流，平穩、可靠，滋養我們，引領我們穿過重重障礙，平順航行。在工作上，父親默默地為後來者打開通路，留下豐沃的根基。父親和母親相生互補，攜手共度各種難關與挑戰。父親在工作上獨立自主，但是公事以外的私領域完全尊重母親的意見。

我和父親通電話時，除了談他身體的病痛之外，經常圍繞在現今時事。上週父親看到有關南沙群島的消息，沉吟道：「1956年菲律賓已經放棄太平島的主權和利益，那時候麥格賽賽總統在任，當時的外交部長賈西亞(Garcia)後來還當了兩任總統。」父親緊接著說：「當時美國對此事一清二楚！現在他們 (美國和菲律賓) 把這個島改叫Itu Aba，從地緣政治的角度來看，太平島變成棘手的問題了。」父親說：「根據他們的邏輯，那我們是不是應該索回蒙古和越南，日本當年不是歸還給我們嗎？」

接著，我問父親：「中國大陸在永暑島，或者應該說永暑礁，修建機場跑道，到底永暑島離太平島多遠?」父親一直對地理非常有興趣，可說是業餘的專家，他毫不猶豫地回答：「非常近。它還有個名字『西北調查礁』(Northwestern Investigator Reef)，現在被填海造陸成了一個比太平島大很多的島，位在南海中央。有意思了！」

我掛了電話上網查，父親說得一點也沒有錯，他腦筋非常清楚!感謝上蒼，父親高壽一百，活著看到中國大陸振興成為強國，這倒是他做夢都沒有想過的！

我以坦誠的心補述父親的回憶錄，最後以父母親作結。他們兩位在二十世紀的政治動盪中，展現堅韌的毅力和勤奮的作為，值得我們後輩深思。父母親為國家社會竭盡所能，不遺餘力，我相信他們的貢獻超越其職責所在，但願各位讀者檢視他們的一生之後，能夠同意我的看法。感謝大家。